June 14, 2024

Building a Secure Attachment Style With God
KIA STEPHENS

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“God is not human, that he should lie, not a human being, that he should change his mind. Does he speak and then not act? Does he promise and not fulfill?” Numbers 23:19 (NIV)

“I have an insecure attachment style,” I wrote in my journal.

I had recently been researching the different types of “attachment styles,” a psychological term for how our primary caregivers’ engagement with us as infants can impact our adult relationships. I learned that our family of origin can set us up to have secure attachments or insecure ones.

It was eye-opening and painful at the same time as I unpacked how my attachment style impacted my closest relationships. Growing up, I experienced a difficult relationship with my mom and a nonexistent one with my father. Although my mother did the best she could, I still grew up with a fear of rejection and abandonment.

But while many articles I read about attachment seemed to outline human relationships well, they often omitted our most important relationship: the one with our heavenly Father.

Many of us tend to view God through the lens of our biological fathers. As a result, we may sometimes hesitate to place our faith completely in Him. We may wonder, What if He doesn’t keep His promises? What if my circumstances never change? How do I know if God will be a heavenly Father to me? Maybe you have found yourself asking similar questions.

But when our trust in God wavers, we can remind ourselves of who He is. For instance, in Numbers 23:19, Scripture debunks any assumption that God can be compared with a sinful human being:

“God is not human, that he should lie, not a human being, that he should change his mind. Does he speak and then not act? Does he promise and not fulfill?” 

These words were originally spoken to Balak, a wicked prince who sought to manipulate God’s power for his personal benefit, but they also offer comfort for us today. Simply put, God is not in the same category with broken humans. Although we may have erroneously compared Him to our fathers or the fatherly figures in our lives, there is no comparison. God is unchanging and perfectly loving in a way no human parent will ever be.

He can be trusted.
He does not lie.
He keeps His promises.
And He will never change His mind about us.

We can also be sure of God’s character through His past faithfulness to us — real-life evidence that He will never leave us and that He does what He says He will do. God patiently provides us with repeated opportunities to trust Him courageously, in spite of our fears that He will abandon us.

No matter the foundation we've received from our family of origin, God makes it possible for us to establish and build a secure attachment with Him. If we are wrestling with whether our heavenly Father will abandon us, we can silence this fear with the truth of who God says He is in Scripture.

Dear God, thank You for being my heavenly Father. Help me courageously choose to trust that You will never abandon me. In Jesus’ Name, Amen.

OUR FAVORITE THINGS

If you have been hurt, rejected or abandoned by your father, it may feel like every aspect of life is affected by that broken trust. In her book, Overcoming Father Wounds, Kia Stephens shares her own story of father wounds, along with eye-opening examples from women in Scripture who were transformed by the love of God. With great compassion, Kia offers practical tools to help you overcome insecurity, low self-esteem, perfectionism, and trouble connecting with God as your loving heavenly Father. Get your copy here!

ENGAGE

Download a FREE chapter of Overcoming Father Wounds here, and join Kia on her YouTube channel as she delves deeper into the topic of “Building a Secure Attachment Style With God.”

To learn more about biblical perspectives on attachment and relationships, you can also check out our Therapy & Theology episode “Knowing Your Attachment Style.”

FOR DEEPER STUDY

2 Timothy 2:13, "if we are faithless, he remains faithful—for he cannot deny himself" (ESV).

How does the truth that God is not like sinful humans encourage you? Share your thoughts in the comments.

© 2024 by Kia Stephens. All rights reserved.

Proverbs 31 Ministries
P.O. Box 3189
Matthews, NC 28106
www.Proverbs31.org